A "difference that makes a difference"

Blowing my own trumpet..

I've been dawdling around this morning, not getting on with things and I've just realised why

I've got to look at my research profile and improve the evidence of esteem for my work, and say where I contribute to research infrastructure..

I have to blow my own trumpet and I hate it

But there's a real problem here in the UK academic life, for in order to have the freedom to do the research and scholarship that I want; I will have to be classed as 'Research Active' and that requires me to 'blow my own trumpet'.  Additionally, in order to get a promotion I will have to write a bid that shows that I'm excellent in teaching, research and management, again, I will have to blow my own trumpet.

I can see the reasons for this but somehow it seems plain wrong and unhealthy to base careers on self celebration.

The New Monastic Novice... she say "Yeah!!"

..and punches the air in (quite possibly) premature triumph..

it is now 5 weeks since I last had any chocolate, biscuit or ate anything between meals except fruit. 

Feeling quite smug about it (and not a little surprised :-)  But also delighted that I seem to be able to do it and not give up!  Hey ho, just the rest of my life to go.... will this hungry feeling go away in time? sigh

To explain why this is an issue check out this old post here

Speaking, Learning and How I got in the Way

Well I was down in London over the weekend.  I was speaking at an international class at a consulting firm.  Loads of students from all over Scandinavia and Britain.  My talk was well received.  Does this sound boastful?  I am a good and entertaining speaker able to bring out new ideas about learning and management.  I tell reasonable jokes and can get an audience intrigued, stimulated and laughing.  Several of the students (all post graduate students who are in managerial or professional jobs) flattered me with how good they thought my lecture..

and yet...

there was too much of me, too much 'song and dance' and I wondered how much learning.

Yes, stimulating talk can be helpful but at the end, as I reflected on the day, I wasn't sure.. one obvious point; with so many of the students listening in a second or third language, would they have followed me?  Was there a chance that I was so wrapped up in what I wanted to say that I missed what they wanted and needed to learn?  I fear so..

So how can I learn from this?  How can I do such sessions better?  I had agreed an agenda with the tutorial staff and I think it was a good agenda but how could I give space to the students to shape what I said?  Next year, assuming they ask me back(!) I will organise the session into more of a dialogue, giving the students the chance to set the agenda and then seeing me wrestle with difficult issues, modelling the process of thinking my way through complex ideas, struggling, generating action and ideas that maybe won't be perfect but will give space for doubting, questioning and challenging.

and I think that will be a session of much deeper and more helpful learning.

My home has a name

I loved my home in Coventry (England), no Coventry itself is not a great place but the house itself was wonderful. Not very grand, just a 1930's end terrace but it was a tardis - much bigger inside than it looked from the outside and the rooms were big and interesting.  I called the house "Friendship" after my cousin's lovely home in Barbados. The name said something about what I hoped for the house, that many would find it a place of friendship and encouragement.  It worked out that way but not quite as I expected.

I moved from Coventry to the village about 4 years ago, immediately fell in love with the village and knew I was at home. However, I did not like my new home. Friends and family visited and said how lovely it was but I did not like it. I knew it was home, I knew it was the place to be but it was not 'Friendship' and that house had won a place in my heart and I couldn't find new space there for my new home.

Then, last autumn, I reorganised my lounge, got rid of the television and that gave much more space in for conversation.  I also spent a small fortune on my kitchen, knocking a hole in the wall to the dining room so that I could entertain more easily, chatting to friends as I finished off the meal.  Strangely, the house earned a name.  Does that sound strange to you?  I can't put my finger on it but something in the rearrangements made the house into a 'personality', a living, welcoming, loving place.  I've called it 'Hild' after my favourite figure from Northumbria's early Celtic-Saxon Christian days. 

Hild was a niece of a King, nun and abbess of Whitby.  I've written about her before, somehow she managed to be all that I would long to be: faithful, wise, able to counsel the poor and dispossessed as well as the rich and powerful.  I want to be like Hild and I long that my home will be a place where faith venturers will find encouragement and counsel.  Encouragingly, I have found that I have had far more visitors over the last 3 weeks or so, maybe just maybe ...

Now as that is happening, something else is going on.  For I have found that I'm at my wisest when I say the least.  (Maybe that is why I responded so powerfully to Steve's idea (see the post below) about quiet days.  I am finding that people are telling me things for which I have no wisdom, I have no answers or suggestions and I am finding myself turning to God in silence ... there are still no answers ... so more silence and prayer... still no answers but there is love, so deep and rich and awesome ...

now, I'm being visited by a friend and her five year old today... hmm, time for some noise I suspect!

Hello Again

Well, after nearly two years off, I'm starting blogging again.

Why? I hear you ask. well, that's not true really, I suspect that you've all gone away and are unaware of this post! But the question is still relevant to me, as I will be spending some time posting stuff!

I was really sad the other day to see Hopeful Amphibian's blog come to an end.  It was one of three blogs that I visited every day.  I loved the mix of humanity, thinking and questioning that 'Hopeful' did on those pages and I shall miss him - not just his ideas but him, the man who I was getting to know in our strange e-like way. 

Anyway, I wonder if blogging is a seasonal thing?  We do it for a while and then lose the energy for a while.  The Maggis and BBAs of this world are marvellous exceptions to this apparent rule.  Well if that's so and if others find blogging and commenting as much of a blessing as I do, then it behoves us to share the conversation around.

I stopped blogging a while ago because it became a bit too much like hard work.  I wanted to say really thoughtful, interesting and generative things and I found myself thinking too hard and refining posts to be as good as I could get them (like writing an academic article).  But what I want to do is post 'half-baked' stuff, stuff that is intriguing me but where I want to be a part of a conversation (rather than trying to have a final word).

I don't know if I'll succeed, I know I won't be an adequate replacement for Hopeful's blog but I will be a place where we can think aloud and do some verbal pilgrimage.

The Good Times

Well, it's been a good few days (week or so) for me.

I have a new job that is a delight to me.  My leaving of Northampton is not without sadness and a tinge of failure, but the new job is so enticing.  A chance to do more research at a stronger research institution, a Centre of Excellence in the very area of Professional Practice that has been the focus of my study for the last few years. 15 months after my professional world seemed to collapse around me I sit in awe of the way that I've been lead; how that time has helped me re-focus, how God is very much larger and how the new job is so well fitted to where I should go.  I'm pleased, also, that it does not involve a promotion.  In a strange way that seems to confirm the path.  Does that make sense?

The new job is not all.  This week an eminent Professor has suggested doing a double-hander with me at a conference.  Moi? :-0 Golly.  Then a meeting with a large company went very well and could lead to an opportunity for me to work with senior managers there.  And on Thursday I facilitated a major workshop upon which depended the jobs of three people.  It went well, the future seems a little more secure for my friends and my reputation has been more firmly established...

Yes, a good week

and yet a difficult one too. For as my mind got wrapped in the intricacies of my profession, as I sought to do my job well and progress projects that I consider important; I have found it so hard to keep my heart on Christ as "the one thing necessary", "the one thing that I seek". 

"Lowly and meek, yet all powerful"

I've blogged about this before; that prayer resonated strongly again this morning during morning prayer. Hild, abbess of Whitby, was born into a royal family and gave counsel to Kings and princes of the church.  She was a leader of men and women.  She was intimately involved in the great events of her day.  She would understand my struggling ambition and submission and her prayer has become a frequent refrain for me:

"Lord, show me the right seat;
find me the fitting task;
give me the willing heart."

Inland Championships

Well, the weekend was filled by the Miracle Inland Championships (sailing dinghy not supernatural activity, for those of you have read of my strange penchant for being blown along by the wind chasing after much faster boats).

A good time, drinks and meals with friends, making some new friends, even (now maybe this was the other kind of miracle?) sailing quite well on occasion.  Quite a lot of the cobwebs blown out, although the workload is still sitting in a pile in front of me.

One of my memories will be trying out a new technique that I'd read about and, wonder of wonders, it made a significant difference! I like learning ... now I wonder if I can get any closer to those faster boats? :-)

all dried up

Hi there, just checking in

not much blogging from me recently, not quite sure why,

Nothing to say? Tired (and term hasn't started yet, sigh)? feeling down in a strange, can't put my finger on it sort of way?  I don't know.  I'm sure that I'll get going again soon.

Strange but several people have mentioned on their blogs about not having much to say, a connection or just one of those things?

On the "leaving church" front, I'm ordering Pete Ward's book "Liquid Church" tomorrow.  It seems to be fretting at the same issues that I'm fretting about, so maybe I'll learn.  I hope that it's not just for yoof.  Sometimes we older folk want a teenage sulk and want not to have to fit in ..

now about not having anything to write except a grunt... I wonder ...

Off sailing

Well, I'm away for a week at the Miracle National Championship at Brixham in the south west of England. (Trust me on this, it isn't as impressive as it sounds - they let anyone turn up!  The top guys are good, but that leaves lots of space for duffers like me! :-)  I'm nervous about sailing on the sea in Erik for the first time and also about today's long journey with a trailer (never done that before), but I'm really looking forward to a week with a bunch of friends.

So I won't be blogging for a week, but there's lots to think about when I return; Leadership following Joshua's or Nehemiah's example, Riane Eisler's concept of partnership or dominator relating, a renewed search for monasticism and just the day by day puzzle and intrigue of living in this messy (but wondrous and fearful) world.  That should keep me busy! :-)

keep well, refreshed and encouraged

Caroline

A grumbly day

Today has not been a good day.  It started yesterday, when at midday I made a decision at college not to submit a tender bid for a substantial amount of money.  Then first thing this morning I took a rather poorly Hontas to the vet.  I was very concerned, and by the time I reached the vet she had gone further down hill and not much later we took the decision to put her to sleep.

Then, as I expected it to, yesterday's decision started to rebound on me as senior managers - who could, of course, wash their hands of the decision, started shooting of emails about how disappointing this was or how serious etc. and calling for an urgent meeting next week.  Well, it'll be a Caroline-as-punchbag blame session, so I'm not looking forward to that.

The problem is that, to a certain extend, I am to blame.  I can look back and see where I made bad decisions or failed to undertake some action that would have improved the situation.  So many stories that are told of stuggle fail to look beyond circumstances or enemies that are against the hero.  Sometimes we are the author of our own misfortune, but I fear that I'm in the firing line and that others who should be there will be able to avoid the flying manure and I'll cop for the lot.

sigh, grumble grumble

guess I'd better change my header and drop Hontas' name .. but not just now ..